12 Touchstones
A matrix of touchstones to reflect on and refer to when we feel the need for support. Remember, they are touchstones, not rules. Allow flexibility and self-compassion: don’t use them as a stick to beat yourself with. These are the ones I value. You might want to keep some, reject a few and add others. I encourage you to make your own matrix of touchstones for your family.
Self compassion is vital. When we love most we are and hurt most, and we are at our most vulnerable. It is helpful to be as compassionate to ourselves as we are to those we love. Self-compassion enables us to show up and take responsibility for our part in the difficulty, not, as it often misconstrued, let ourselves off the hook.
Our loving connection is key, as is acknowledgement and having it reflected back to us that we are enough. Open connection is where listening is as important as talking, where all feeling, ideas, views and opinions are allowed. There are no barred topics, hidden agendas or rules as to what we can or cannot be conveyed and discussed.
Having this honest conversations where differences are aired can lead to conflict and even rupture. It is not possible to have close relationships without disagreements. It is through developing the robustness to bear and manage differences and misunderstanding that we learn about ourselves.
Multiple people will have multiple views. There is no single way to look at beliefs, issues, or to resolve problem. Be curious and create the time and space to know each other fully.
Aim to have 5 times more positive interactions than negative, in which each family member, including yourself, feels respected, valued and heard.
Boundaries are physical and emotional, and consequently important in families for mental and physical health. Less is more. A few clear rules that you stick to are better than lots of confusing ones.
All families have power dynamics. For a family to function successfully, each member, whatever their age, needs to feel they have agency in their life, that their feelings and thoughts are considered and have value in those decisions.
Carve out time to have fun. Putting chores and tasks aside, being together and playing together are important in families.
It is helpful to develop family habits into meaningful rituals in our family’s life. Rituals create a source of memories and stories we can tell ourselves about our family and recall with pleasure.
Perhaps not too much ongoing shifting chaotic change, but change that gradually evolves in response to new circumstances supports individuals and families to flourish. As we change as uncomfortable as it is, we need to step out of our comfort zone and allow the change to change us. It is then we thrive.
Every member of a family having the insight to look inwards and outwards reflectively, to think about their thinking, is a significant component for healthy families.
It is through what we model as individuals, partners, parents and grandparents in our actions, our communication, our choices and our ways of living that everyone in our family learns. Those around us learn from what we do, not from what we say.
