8 Pillars of Strength

I have developed the idea of ‘pillars of strength’ - the key structures that support us and enable us to rebuild our lives after loss. It requires work to build the pillars - they don’t just appear out of the blue - as well as a commitment to keeping going. The pillars function as an integrated organic whole; we can’t just focus on one pillar and leave the rest. They demand our attention and time, and the result of addressing all of them is that the strength they provide will be increased many times over.

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Our Relationship with Others and Relationship with the Person who has died

Our relationship with others is key to a good and happy life. And when someone significant in our life dies, the level of our loss will be equal to the quality of that relationship and how much we loved the person who died.

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Relationship with Oneself

As our relationship with the world and others is changed by grief, so does our relationship with ourself change.

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Ways to Express Emotion

We all need to find ways of expressing our grief and loss. It is a uniquely individual process to find what works for us personally.

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Time

It is important to understand that time takes on different hues in grief and loss: Grieving takes longer than anyone wants or expects, we cannot fight it.

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Mind & Body

A central pillar is our mind and our body, that has been mightily impacted by the death of the person we love or the big change in our life.

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Limits

When we experience a life changing loss it is likely to affect our capacity at work and socially; an important pillar is to recognise the power to say no.

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Structure

In the chaos of grief we can feel tilted off our central axis, and it helps to build a pillar of structure.

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Focusing

Focusing is a well researched practice by Eugene Gendlin which can let us 'pause the on-going situation and find new possibilities for carrying forward'.

Where to find help

12 Touchstones