Re: Navigating the Deepest Loss: Grieving the Death of a Child

The death of a child is unbearable to even think about.

For the families whose children die there is nothing more traumatic. Their pain is unfathomable.  It tears up the rule book of life: we never expect to have to bury our own children; they should be the ones to bury us. It throws parents into an alien world, which is frightening and confusing, and for which they have no map or compass. The death of a child leaves a fathomless hole, and, of all the losses people suffer, it takes the largest to rebuild their lives afterwards.

When I speak of a child's death, I include miscarriages, stillbirths, neonatal deaths, and the death of children of any age. The death of a child, no matter their stage of life, leaves parents grieving not only their child’s presence but also the future they imagined.

Families grieving the death of their son or daughter are grieving a person who was a central part of them, embodied in their being, sometimes giving them their purpose in life and their identity. They are grieving their absence in their everyday life as well as the future they assumed they would someday see. They are forced to reconfigure their present lives as well as their idea of a future with our their child in it.

I would urge couples, if they feel they need to see a therapist following the death of a child, to do so together. It is a loss that shakes the relationship and the family system to its core, and it is hard to recover from such a loss without the participation of both parents in counselling. As many parents have said, having a child die ‘makes you a member of a club that no one wants to be a member of’, and leaves many families with a sense that they are outsiders. In addition, many feel they have somehow been singled out to have this terrible thing happen to them; in the past, when many more children died, it was devastating, but there was a kind of consolation in the high numbers. An important step in recovery can be meeting up with other people who have had this experience by becoming part of a support group

Often the intense grief of grandparents is not recognised. They not only grieve the death of their grandchild, but witness the suffering of their devastated child, while being powerless to change what has happened. Grandparents may play a pivotal role in holding the family together when a child dies, if they have a good enough relationship with their bereaved child. But if this relationship has difficulties, it is possible that this will exacerbate them.

In all cases, the support of family and community is pivotal during such an intense loss.

Here are some supportive tips for parents grieving the death of their child:

Allow yourself to grieve fully: Grief for a child is profound and complex. Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes—anger, sadness, disbelief—without judgment. There’s no right way to grieve.‍

Take it one moment at a time: The future may feel overwhelming, so focus on getting through one moment or day at a time. Small steps are enough.‍

Seek support when you need it: Talking to a trusted friend, family member, or counsellor can be invaluable. Joining a support group where others have had a similar loss may help you feel less alone.‍

Don’t expect to “move on” quickly: Grief isn’t something to get over, but something to carry. It will change shape over time, but the love and loss of your child will always be a part of you.‍

Accept that grief affects relationships: Grief can place strain on relationships, including between partners. It’s important to be patient with each other’s grieving process, and consider seeking couples therapy if needed.‍

Let others help you: Accept offers of help from those around you. Whether it's practical support like meals or emotional support through a conversation, you don’t have to go through this alone.‍

Remember your child: Finding ways to honour and remember your child—through rituals, keepsakes, or talking about them—can bring comfort. Do what feels meaningful for you.‍

Take care of your body: Grief is emotionally and physically draining. Try to eat, sleep, and rest when you can, even though it may feel impossible at times.

Be patient with yourself: Healing from such a deep loss takes time, and your emotions will fluctuate. Be gentle with yourself, especially on significant dates like anniversaries or birthdays.‍

Give yourself space to live again: Over time, you may find moments of joy returning. Allow yourself to experience them without guilt. It’s not about forgetting, but about integrating your grief into your life.

These steps can offer a path through the overwhelming pain, but always on your own terms.